Not Mine

I did something I shouldn’t have and I feel horrible. I shared a secret that wasn’t mine to tell. I’ve felt utterly awful since I did and have been going insane.

I’ve picked the entirety of my right thumb nail out of its bed with stress. I started at the base nearest my knuckle and tore it to shreds with multiple tools and all sorts of things.

I told the person I betrayed that I had shared their secret today and that I was extremely sorry, but I can’t move beyond my own awful feelings. They told me it was alright and that they weren’t mad, but my head feels like it’s swimming in a dirty muddy pit of guilt and shame.

I’ve been tearing myself apart, literally and mentally, for weeks now. I don’t know what else to do.

Life and Death

One year ago I decided to change my lifestyle from vegetarian to vegan. I had been a vegetarian for 13 years at that point and felt it was time to take the next step. I know a lot of people that don’t want anything to do with this sort of life, but hey it’s the one that works for me.

I feel a bit strange though as today comes to a close. There is one person on my mind that I wish I could talk to today. A childhood friend that I no longer have contact with. I shouldn’t miss her though I suppose, there are other people in my life.

Being vegan, or perhaps just by being me, I think a lot about life and death. If this annoys you then don’t bother reading further. I annoy myself too.

The thing I guess I should explain first and foremost is that I do not put my life above anyone else’s. To an extreme extent. I simply don’t believe I am worth more than another. No person is in my mind. All life is equal. Again, it’s an extreme. I accept that, but it is my belief.

It’s a very hard concept for most to grasp. The whole “kill or be killed” mentality and all. I don’t have that. I have zero fighting instinct or self preservation. I know that as my truth from the things I have gone through.

Having schizophrenia has definitely changed my life in every aspect. It sounds silly to some, but the animals around me speak with me. It’s hallucinations and delusions, but there it is. I hear them in my head and I could no more eat them than I could my sister.

Transgender and Mentally Ill

This isn’t going to be a debate forum over transitioning. I am doing it no matter what anyone says and that’s that. I do however want to relay some of the struggles that transitioning while mentally ill brings about.

First some background for you to get a feel of where I’m coming from.

I have been inpatient at psych hospitals seven times (this far) and hopefully they will be the only times. One of the stays was technically a rehabilitation center because the psych wards near me were full. They didn’t know what to do with me and I didn’t either. I ended up attending AA/NA meetings. Unfortunately I was unable to kick my schizophrenia. It seemed a lot like a person with diabetes going to a chemo treatment. Yes; both are illnesses, but treatments are not universal.

Going in so many times has really given me an idea of the inequality inside the medical system. Or I guess the ones near me. I can’t speak for all hospitals and I don’t mean to.

I have had doctors tell my parents that transgender people don’t exist, are mentally ill, delusional, attention seekers, you name it. It took me five years for a doctor to take me seriously. Prior to Dr. D my doctors were positive it was simply symptoms of schizophrenia.

Dr. D was the first to acknowledge that both parts can be present without being connected. In other words I have mental illnesses and I am also transgender. They exist independently of each other. They do affect each other at times, but one did not create the other.


Life Goes On

My guy and me have been talking lately again. No, everything isn’t fixed and fine. Life doesn’t work like that. We are going to have to work on our relationship and figure out how to handle my episodes in a different manner.

I know that relationships are rarely rational; you don’t choose who you fall in love with, but I do know that I have to plan ahead rationally. He means a lot to me. I believe I love him. Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. I feel it though. I want to be good to him. I don’t want to hurt him or scare him.

In the end this may not pan out. I know my life is difficult to handle. I wouldn’t blame him at all if he can’t. I hope though that we can make this work. He’s genuinely kind and good. I don’t have much of that in my life.

No one I know knows my blog. I don’t want them to read it. I don’t write to make them feel bad and I never want them to think they’ve hurt me irreparably. If anyone I know does happen across this I hope that they don’t think too harshly of me.

No Knowing

As I sit here tonight I’m really trying to sort out all the things that are racing through my head. The biggest problem I’m having right now is how much my illnesses affect other people in my life.

When I have an episode or am not entirely myself I mostly am scared and uncomfortable. I can’t trust myself. I can’t trust anything because what I am experiencing may not even be happening.

I am in a relationship that is extremely important to me. I care very very much about the person and we have plans for the future. He hadn’t seen anything major yet. Not really. I’d had minor issues and small problems that he’d been able to handle very well. That changed recently.

The other night we were texting (unfortunately for now we are in a long distance relationship) and something in my mind sort of snapped. I was scared and suspicious and positive it wasn’t actually him texting me at that point. The voices in my head were telling me all sorts of horrible things. I told him as much and that I had to go.

After two days of intermittent apologies and promises that I still cared about him I realized my behavior of that night was wrong. I had scared him with my own accusations. He’d never seen my paranoia, not on the scale it had been and certainly never directed at him.

I have tried to apologize, but I simply don’t know if he will be able to handle me. It hurts not being able to trust myself. It hurts more that my brain makes me hurt my loved ones indirectly.

Liebster Nomination

I was nominated by the blogger James at .


I’ll be honest, I’m new to blogging, so I wasn’t sure what the award was at first. But basically (from my understanding) it’s an award given to small blogs (less than 200 followers) from other bloggers to recognize their work. As per Brixton’s post, “‘Liebster’ is a German word that means sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome. The winner is chosen and awarded at the end of each year.”

The official rules of the award are as follows:

1. Acknowledge the blogger who nominated you and display the award logo.

2. Answer 11 questions that the blogger gives you.

3. Nominate 11 blogs that you think are deserving of the award.

4. Create 11 questions for your nominees to answer.

5. Let the bloggers know of their nomination!

The questions that howtobejames asked are as follows:

1. Is a hotdog a sandwich? Why or why not? It is in my mind. Meat between bread makes a sandwich.

2. What is your idea of perfect happiness? My perfect happiness would be me being able to take care of myself without burdening my family.

3. Which living person do you most admire? I don’t have any one person I admire most. All people have flaws and shortcomings. I admire many people in different ways.

4. Why did you start your blog? I made my blog because I needed an outlet without having to rely on my family.

5. If you could go back in time, what advice would you give to your 13 year old self? Honestly I would tell that kid to put down the knife and just come out. Get it over with before letting it devour the self confidence. Tell people what’s going on inside your head and don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself.

6. How do you handle setbacks? I don’t handle them well. Usually I press my thoughts down far away and refuse to acknowledge them.

7. What’s your favourite memory? My favorite memory isn’t a memory so much as a collection of feelings. I miss feeling content and comfortable. Remembering those feelings are the best memories I have.

8. What did you want to be when you grew up? Initially I wanted to be a sailor and work on restoring tall ships.

9. If you won the lottery, what would be the first thing you’d buy? I would buy my family a brand new house and cars. I want my parents to never worry for anything again.

10. What’s your favourite flavour of potato chips? I’m very boring I suppose. I prefer plain potato chips if I have to have them. Sweet potato are my favorite chips though.

11. Was the dress blue and black or white and gold? I have no idea lol. Part of my illnesses is that I don’t process color normally. Mostly it looked purple.

I nominate the blogs

1. Stacey


3. Amy

4. Erin


6. Karen

7. Lora


9. Max

10. Bobby Jean

11. Hart

My questions are

1. What sort of music best calms you?

2. How do you cope with loss?

3. What makes you happy no matter the occasion?

4. How do you deal with the unknown?

5. Would you be able to spend long periods of time by yourself or do you need to be around others?

6. Who has made the largest impact in your life?

7. If one thing could be changed by you in this world affecting your own life or others; what would you change?

8. Have you ever met anyone that you knew immediately would be forever in your life or heart?

9. Blogging is therapeutic in a lot of ways, do you write in any other forms (poetry, novels, etc.)?

10. What is something you could not live without?

11. Would you, if given the option, choose to rule over a nation or serve under another?

This is Me

I had thought of writing separate blogs for the separate aspects of my life, but I am only me because of all the melded pieces. This blog may be triggering for some, but hopefully it is more helpful and informative than anything.

I’ve been told the spiel before “don’t let your illnesses define you”, but they do in the end. They make me who I am. A healthy person without my types of messed up thinking wouldn’t be afraid to drink the tea because voices say it’s poisoned. My illnesses are a part of me. They make me who I am. As much as being transgender, loving animals more than people, or being a huge comic book nerd does. They all are pieces that build the puzzle that is me.

I am so tired of being told not to let my illnesses define my life. To me they aren’t really illnesses; they are my constant reality. They affect how I function and interact with people.

I can’t ignore them because I am them. They will never go away and that’s the whole point of this isn’t it. I’m learning how to live with these things. I have to continue with or without them. Quitting is not an option I can allow myself.

Paper Moon

My days are spent stringing together various pieces of reality and fantasy. My “fantasy” life is not so crisp and clean as the name may sound. The truth is that there are entire pieces of my life that have happened only inside my head. The demons, ghosts, gods, monsters, and various creatures of my life are entirely of my brains own making; or so I’m told.

There are spans of time that I truly believe I have hallucinations and that none of what has happened is real. That’s the correct way of thinking. That’s what my doctors and family try so hard to help me see.

However that simply isn’t always the case. Most days I genuinely believe I’ve met gods, that demons torment me, that I really do have a ghost best friend (his name is Damon).

Damon and I met my senior year of high school and he’s been a constant companion of mine. No matter how low I sink he stays by my side. The medicine I take (I’ve been on everything from seraquil to Latuda and back around once more) has never taken him away. In fact none of the meds have ever taken away any of my hallucinations. It is a major problem for me to accept that I have hallucinations and am not simple able to see another way because of this fact.

So my life is a paper moon hanging over a cardboard sea. It is real in ways and fake in others.



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